Red Cleavage

WARNING: Gross story ahead!
I am going to preface this blog entry by stating the obvious; Jack is NEVER aware of any of what I am about to write about. We never make our kids feel bad for a bodily function....even one that is gross...smile.

Jack has had an ongoing problem lately that is starting to worry me, not to mention seriously puts a cramp in our collective style. The boy throws up at the drop of a hat. He smells Joey's baby food, or GOD FORBID a dirty diaper, and breakfast/lunch/dinner is revisited. He smells one of those really expensive, but horribly smelling cheeses at the grocery store? CLEAN UP IN ISLE 3!! He goes to his first swim lesson, and gets a TINY amount of water up his nose and he clears out the pool in 5 minutes flat. You have never seen a more irritated mother than one that has to pull their screaming kids out of a pool because someone just threw up in it.

All of this was very much on my mind when we went to the water park. Now, clearing out a pool at the YMCA is vastly different than the water park. I could only imagine how many times I would have to apologize for my son, Projectile Pete. I racked my brain trying to figure out how I could contain the inevitable mess, yet not make Vomitous Victor aware of the problem AND still be able to move around the water park. The obvious choice would have been to plastic coat Puking Paul, me and the surrounding area, but that was unrealistic. I would need to be able to do so inconspicuously.....Bowls wouldn't work; too cumbersome, and really...where would I keep it? I suppose I could look like an opera singer and wear two bowls down my shirt, but I really am not looking to add to my chest size. Too bad it wasn't Hula Day at the park, I could have worn a coconut bra. A bag would have to do and I just happened to have a Target bag with me! But where to carry it. I could tie it to my bathing suite, but I didn't want to explain to everyone I saw that I didn't have a colostomy bag attached to my side. DOWN MY SHIRT! Perfect! It would be hidden, secure and easy to access when needed. I imagined the great fan fair when, like a magician, I pulled a long plastic bag out of my bra to the delight of cheering kids everywhere just in time to catch Ralphing Ricky's pool contribution.

Thank GOD we didn't need it, and I have to say, it was amazingly comfortable. I completely forgot it was there until I went to change and thought I had contracted Scarlet Fever. My ENTIRE chest was red. I was about to yell to Daryl to call 911 when I realized that all of the ink from the Target bag had, I assume, reacted to all of the pool chemicals and was covering my upper body. At that moment I realized that I had crossed over to the alternate universe known as "Mommy World". I had heard of this place, but never thought I would get to go there. It is a place where otherwise perfectly normal women do things perfectly absurd for their kids. It mattered not one iota that I very well could have been walking around with Red Dye #6 covering most of my upper body; Hurling Harry needed something and I was there to supply it.

I suppose it could have been worse. I could have had to pull a rabbit out of my cleavage.

Snow Man

2 of My 3 Sons are currently in the front yard, relishing the new snow. This kind of snow is made for kids. It is super wet and heavy...perfect for snowman making. James came in a few minutes ago, and asked for 12 black olives and a carrot stick for the snowman he just made. Amazingly, I had carrots....but no black olives. I considered, for a moment, telling them to go forage for some rocks, but realized in the nick of time that I would then have to explain, in mind-numbing detail, where to find them.

So I looked around and found blackberries. AHA! The perfect solution! I can give them a nutritious snack AND give them snowman supplies. The only problem is that Jack ADORES blackberries, so I soon hear "JACK! Did you eat my snowman's eyes?! JACK! Did you eat my snowman's buttons?! JACK! I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT ANY MORE SNOWMAN EYES!" And what I see, as I look out the window, is James making a perfect miniature snowman with Jack sitting in the snow next to him eating blackberries

A Week From H~E Double Hockey Sticks

Most people love spring break. At least anyone under the age of 25, and those without children. Or those with nannies. Or anyone who has someone to watch their kids while they lay basking in the warmth of a sun filled beach sipping a ........... sorry. Got a little off track.

I, personally, hate spring break. While the "good" mother in me is screaming "But you love to spend time with you kids making every conceivable shape out of play dough, eat enough fruit snacks to choke a horse and making a fabulous collection of macaroni art that rivals any metropolitan museum!" But really....3 little boys in a house the size of a tree fort, with completely unreliable weather....good golly, I just can't seem to bring myself to get excited about it!

We are, however, finishing out our week at the water park, which is sure to be a hit with the boys. If anything, it will tire them out enough to stop complaining about wanting to be outside.

Kinder Bears

We had a surprise party for James' teacher, Mrs. McNulty, today. Well, as much of a surprise as you can get with a classroom full of kids involved, and the teacher in the hall when you walk in to the school with her cake....smile.

 

Mrs. McNulty is the best. She calls her class the "Kinder Bears" and is very conscience of the kids' needs, and puts a lot of extra time in to be sure they are all growing and learning at their highest potential. A group of moms started talking a few months back about surprising her for her birthday, and (of course) I had this great idea that I could make a cake that would look like a Kinder Bear, and it would be a beautiful creation. What I got, or should say, made, was a creepy looking bear with long hair and beady eyes, that seems to be staring you down. I am thinking that he may have actually scared the kids. I had to add a flower so he wouldn't look so much like a rabid animal....grin

The boys LOVED handing out cupcakes and napkins to all the kids, and it was the cutest thing to see each of them delicately take a cupcake, and say "Thank you James" so politely.

 

Mrs. McNulty seemed to like her Kinder Bear cake, which is what matters most. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELANIE

Germ-A-Phobe

 

I have a major pet peeve. Ok, so I have A LOT of pet peeves, but this one in particular. I HATE it when people touch Joey's hands. Not that I don't like people interacting with him, or telling me how cute he is...smile...or even holding him, but he immediately puts his hands in his mouth after. When they grab his hands, I feel like someone may as well swab him down with a variety of contagious diseases and ship him off to the NICU. I'm sure everyone knows that he was a preemie...but on top of that, he was too little to get a flu shot and we were told to be VERY careful with him during cold season. I think I may have insulted the doctor when I laughed at him after he told us that. Two school aged boys, a baby and I am supposed to be careful with germs? During the winter, our house sounds like a tuberculosis ward.

When Joey was a week old, he had to have a spinal tap because he had pneumonia. There is something about seeing your baby strapped down to a table with a huge needle coming at him that sort of...I don't know...changes you...makes you hyper-sensitive to germs. Coupled with a mom who is a germ-a-phobe, and you make a physciatrists dream.

Whenever I see people grabbing his hands, I get this sort of moving image in my head. I imagine putting my finger and their mouth, saying COOCHIE COOCHIE COO! The imagined look of shock makes me laugh out loud.

Tongue Residue

James stuck his tongue to a frozen chain on a swing at school today.  (NO, that is NOT a picture of him!  Ha!)

I know I am supposed to be horrified that my child would do such a thing, but I find it incredibly humorous. He certainly isn't aware of my seeing humor in a childhood right of passage. He thinks I am aghast that he would do such a silly thing. And recruit others in his class to join him! He did, by the way, safely remove his tongue from the chain.

Every year during the holidays we inevitably end up watching two movies. Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story. So when James' teacher emailed me that he had recreated one of our family's most cherished movie scenes, I laughed out loud and beamed with pride!

I guess I should prepare myself for him to come out of his room wearing a white sweater with a black dickie drinking eggnog out of a moose cup.




His Grampy would be so proud.

Exploding Toilets

WARNING: Not my greatest Mommy moment ahead!


So every week Jack gets to bring home a book bag from school. He gets very excited; He thinks he is being such a big boy...just like James. Last Thursday, his bag was about monkeys. He had a monkey book, and a few of those toy monkeys..the ones that you can link together. So we are eating dinner Monday night, when I say to Jack "We need to get all of your school things ready for tomorrow morning. Please be sure to find all of the monkeys and put them in your book bag."

In typical Jack fashion he, in a low grumbly monster kind of voice, said "I am going to flush the monkeys down the toilet!" To which I replied "Oh no you are not! If you flush the monkeys down the toilet, the toilet will explode and you will get covered in poop!" Expecting him to say something along the lines of "You are so silly Momma!", I looked up to see my son the color of Casper The Friendly Ghost with his already big blue eyes the size of dinner plates. As I choked on my dinner, I desperately tried to figure out a way to comfort my now traumatized son, minimize his future bathroom neurosis and still uphold my perfect-mother-who-never-would-lie-to-her-child image. The best I could come up with was "Well, if you tell Daddy really quickly, then he can get a special tool that will get the monkeys out." Of course Daryl is laughing so hard, he has to walk out of the room and, I may be a little paranoid, but I think I saw a hint of enjoyment that I was in such a dilemma.



Now, I have to admit saying the exploding toilet thing to Jack with two assumptions in mind. One being that he hadn't already flushed the monkeys and the other being that I needed to be as graphic as possible to get him to listen. Seems I was wrong on both. I have since had to explain the following:

• How Daddy got the monkeys out
• What tool he used
• What the tool looked like
• How the tool worked
• What the monkeys looked like after they came out
• Why poop goes down, but not monkeys
• Why the toilet doesn't explode when poop goes down, but does with monkeys
• If it will explode if you flush Kleenex/pee/cotton balls/Q-Tips
• If Mom or Dad ever flushed anything down
• What we did when we were covered in poop

I am sure my parents are thoroughly enjoying this. They did tell me, at some point in my life, that they hoped I had a child just like me some day.

Cricket

Well, Joey is on his way to not being a baby anymore. In the last week, he has sprouted 2 teeth and tried a CHEERIO! I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that he is almost 8 months old. It truly seems like it was just yesterday that he joined our family.

He is currently on the floor, TICKED OFF that he can't reach a toy that is just this close. He is kicking those feet as fast as he can, and if I didn't know better, I would worry that he would take flight. I think crawling may be in his immediate future!

He has always had this "thing" with his legs. One of the nicknames I have for him is Cricket, because he will rub his little feet together until his socks come off. He is definitely a Linge - LOVES to be barefoot! I have tried everything to keep socks on him. Knee highs, slippers, those shoes that babies aren't supposed to get off....He is like a sock Houdini!

It's OK though. He happens to have a mom that L~O~V~E~S his little bare feet

Exploding Hearts

Yesterday was Mom and James Night. On these nights, we have a sleep-over (they get to stay up late, eat popcorn in my bed and watch cartoons). We went to Walmart and bought candy, went to Pizza Hut and pigged out on pizza and, because Grammy wasn't feeling well, James decided we needed to bring her some ice cream. Now, normally I would be raving about how great my kid is just for the fact that he thought of his grandmother, but as we were leaving her house, he did something that made my heart explode with pride and love. We were walking down the steps (he was ahead of me), and when he reached the bottom, he turned and looked at me and said "Mom, be very careful, it is icy here and you could fall".

Insert exploding heart emoticon here!