Whining Mommy

WARNING! LOTS OF WHINING AHEAD!

So this has not been a good week for me. Mostly I like to write about all the great things my kids do, but today, I would like to express my displeasure at the outcome of the last few days. If this will not be pleasant for you, please feel free to move along...smile.

My husband has this way of sneezing that has forever annoyed me. I get in my car after he has driven it, and the windshield is COVERED with dried up .... oh, I don't know....whatever it is that comes out when you sneeze. The man refuses to cover his mouth and he cannot go out in the sun without sneezing spastic-ly for 10 minutes, which most of the time makes me point and laugh at him. Last weekend, he decided, while holding a can of pop in one hand and our baby in the other (which he claims would not allow him to cover his mouth), to sneeze while infected with a whopper of a cold. Now I SWEAR he stood in the middle of our living room spinning around like a sprinkler, covering everyone and everything with spit. He tells me that I have a good imagination. Believe whom ever you wish.

So this spit-fest produced one whopper of a cold for me, too. As well as Joseph and Jack. I won't repeat the expletives expressed to my dear husband for sharing....you probably heard me anyway. So this whole week has been a mixture of sleep deprivation (from the cold and the baby) and downright crabbiness.

It all went downhill today. It started with my not being able to sleep last night because every time I laid down, it felt like I was being suffocated. Finally my alarm went off (who is my dear Joseph) at 5 (AM!). Jack woke up at 6 (AM!) and James at 6:30 (AM!). The first fight broke out about 6:33 with me giving my best impression of a bad Elmer Fudd impersonator. "Dames, if you hit Dack one more dime, you bill get a tibe out!" (translated: James, if you hit Jack one more time, you will get a time out!) James just sort of cocked his head to the side like a dog hearing a whistle. "Seribously! Do nob do bat agaib!" (translated: Seriously! Do not do that again!) His head moved to the other side. "Anb stob looking at me like thab!" (translated: And stop looking at me like that!). He just walked up to me slowly and petted my head while I whimpered.

By 7:30 (AM!) my day had progressed to finding bodily fluids on my person. Yes folks, STEP RIGHT UP! See the amazing FLUID LADY! Why you can locate and identify...ready for it? PUKE! SNOT! POOP! and yes, you guessed it PEE!! A freak of nature, she is a rare sight! Look at that hair! Not washed or combed...look at those bags under her eyes, and can you believe the red, chapped nose from sneezing all night?! Look at her markings...yes, it is unusual to find ALL bodily fluids at once!! A once in a lifetime occasion! And wait...she is coming out of her habitat WITHOUT MAKEUP!!!! Line up folks, for this is one site to see!

FINALLY! After spending the day with a 6-year-old who can projectile sneeze his body weight in snot, a 4-year-old who can pummel you with questions faster than an auctioneer (while you sit there looking like Jabba the Hut) and a baby who has a cold AND is cutting teeth, my dear husband comes home. WOOHOO! I shout. MY SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED! as I mutter "even if he is the one who caused all my pain". But he has had a bad day and is not one bit happy that I have to go grocery shopping and leave him home with the boys. On a Friday night. HA! HAHA! HAHAHA!!!! I laughed. Groceries. Boys. What really would be the lesser of two evils after the day I had?!

It occurred to me, as I am blowing my nose for the 50th time in a quickly disintegrating piece of Kleenex, pushing a cart with the required shaky wheel through a store filled with the worlds nastiest people, trying to hide a gigantic ketchup stain on my shirt, and lift a 5 pound can of peaches in my cart, ON A FRIDAY NIGHT that this really sucks. I was thinking as I balanced a 100 pound mini van door on my shoulder (the door broke, so it wont stay up!), threw $200 worth of groceries in the car all while trying to keep the cart from rolling away, control the river of snot that was running down my chin AND stay out of the rain, that this just was not what I signed up for. I am a living, breathing caricature of a stay-at-home mom. Make that a desperate stay-at-home mom.

The the lady in line next to me told me that the best time of her life was when her kids were little. I just cocked my head to the side like a dog hearing a whistle.